22.

You know what's funny? Ironic, rather? Is how for the first..ehhh...quarter of our lives we're wanting to be older.  Or at least looking to life in the future.  At some point we've all said, in some combination or other, these questions...plus or minus some...

"I just want to get out of high school"..."I can't wait to be in college!"..."I wonder if I'll be married by the time I'm 25"..."When I'm 30 will I have a family? What will they be like?"..."What will my career look like when I'm 35".....and the list goes on and on. 

And it doesn't help that I feel so often we're asked (and are asking others) about future plans. Like in the first week of class, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?" In our world we're continually indoctrinated with the need to have a grand idea and a well-formulated plan for the future. And as much as my Type-A personality loves..LOVES..a good plan....part of me just wants to yell "I DON'T KNOW! And it's ok that I don't!"  What about my life in this present moment? How's my family? What am I loving and grateful for RIGHT NOW??  What am I struggling with?

And you know...at one point, I wanted to be 22.

I looked forward to it. I was excited about it. It had a sense of mystery to it.

And here I am. Wondering if I'll look back and say, "Yeah, I remember when I was 22...I think." But really come to find out that I don't really at all because I was just going through each day looking at what was in the day/week/month to follow.

I know I've talked about this before. Living in the present and doing our best to embrace each day. And the more I do, the more I realize I SUCK at it.  I don't know how. But I know that if I at least try, I can only get better.

Maybe using my down times throughout the day to think about the different things I have to be thankful for.  Maybe the people I have in my life to be grateful for, and deciding that I really need to share with them how they've touched and influenced my life.  Encouraging them like they've encouraged me. 

Whatever it is. I just need to start. And I don't mean stop looking to the future--I mean managing my time and my mental capacities so I do both well. 

Because it was only a second ago, that this present moment was that future.  A future I looked forward to.  So am I going to miss it now that it's right here?

I believe that God created us with far more than the mental capacity necessary to be successful at this.  But being the God he is, and desiring a fulness of life for each of us, He gave us the ability to train, educate, and utilize our minds and lives however we choose. So how we see each moment in the future...and each of those moments as they occur in the present...will be dependent on that.

Can't forget what's influenced, impacted, and shaped me in the past.  Can't stop looking forward and planning for the future.  But most importantly, can't miss what made today..today. A day I once looked forward to, and a day tomorrow that will be another day in my story.

So...here goes. Ironically this is ending with a plan....but....when in Rome! :)

♥ C

......

So overwhelmed. Tapped may be a good word for it.
<__________> this many things to do...<___> this much time. When this happens, I tend to lose perspective and need a little something to bring me back to ground level. And today, as simple as it is, this is what I needed

...processing...

   It doesn't take much for me to get overwhelmed.  I wish I was wired differently. I wish I could balance a multitude of stressful situations. I wish I could thrive with the pedal to the floorboard, just waiting for the next thing that'll be thrown my way, ready to take it all down.....but that's not me. AT ALL. I prefer to take life a little slower. I need to process things. Everything. I do it too much at times, I'm sure. Especially when the decisions I'm making directly effect other people.  And as consistent as my need for coffee in the morning, I always hit a point where thoughts of everything going on hit me at once, and I somewhat check-out mentally and emotionally for the day.  Today was that day.

   The areas of life demanding my attention show no signs of slowing down--from the ever-increasing help my parents need with the business, to preparing to start school again in the fall, to figuring out finances, to relationships and everything tied up in them. I'm at a transition point in life. A lot of things have changed and will continue to do so for awhile, All of it's left me feeling uncertain about the decisions I've made/am making, and almost as though I've lost some of the control.

   But that's ok. Even just now, as the dust has begun to settle a bit, I'm reminded that God places these circumstances in our lives, not to see how far he can push until we break, but to remind us that when we stop relying on our own ability to make decisions, our own knowledge, and our own feelings, He meets us wherever we're at reveals to us the areas of our lives in which He is working.

   One phase is coming to a close, another will soon be beginning, but right now I've gotta work through the middle. God does some of his best work in the middle. We can see how He was working in the past, and trust Him with where we're going in the future. But the part I miss a lot is how He is using right now. How am I seeking Him in my day-to-day walk? Right now, if I was completely honesty, I'm not doing so great with that. It's a continual struggle to relinquish the control I try so hard to maintain when things get overwhelming. But it's a struggle I'm going to fight because I know a life filled by the Holy Spirit is a life with meaning and purpose, a life to look forward to and be excited about.
   The last couple days I've been wanting to find a passage of scripture to meditate on and really allow for my heart and mind to soak it up. I didn't have the slightest clue what it should be, what could cover every stress, every worry, every emotion I was feeling?? And then I was reminded again, in that still small voice, that those are not the things I should set my gaze and my focus upon.  I came across Psalm 139 where at the end David is praying and he says, "Search me oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  That is my prayer right now. I need to start by first giving Him all of me, and then we shall see where He leads.

....♥ C

intoxicating

life's intoxicating, isn't it?

                                           
those moments we spend fueled by adrenaline and excitement,      

and ever-increasing levels of serotonin and dopamine, flooding our minds with a natural high.

our lives are filled with these weeks, days, and moments we wish would last forever....

    

          -a day in the mountains amongst the magnificence of His creation-

             
                                -meeting someone new that so effortlessly turns into a great friendship-

                  
                 -walking on the beach at sunset-

 -a conversation with an old friend that seamlessly picks up where it left off-

                               

                                -finishing the last page of a good book-

              -family vacations with their frustrations, only to end in laughs, making for one great memory-

                                             -inside jokes that will never cease to amuse us-

                             -holding hands with someone for the first time-

     -love between two people that grows each day regardless of the circumstances-

                        -laughing so hard you cry, and then laughing more because you're crying-

   -the moment of reconciliation between two people-

          -knowing someone struggles with the same things you do and you're not alone-       

                                           

                                            -the joy kids have at disneyland...and knowing exactly how they feel-

                   -the first drop of a rollercoaster-

    -summer nights, windows down, best friends, singing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs-

                               
                                  -a spontaneous, deep conversation with someone-

                       -holding a newborn baby-

-the joy your dog has when you come home-

                                          -finding out someone's thinking about/praying for you-

                     -discovering a shared interested with someone-

            -a time of worship that completely takes you away from life's current circumstances-

.....i could go on, but i'm sure you've pretty much caught my drift. all that said, 

i believe God has called us to live passionately....

                                                                

                                 ...fervently....

                                                   ....with zest...

    

...and with a continually increasing gratitude for His love, His mercies, and His grace.

even in the midst of certain chaos...

never forgetting about the things that fill us with hope, joy, and peace  that surpasses all understanding.

life's intoxicating, isn't it?

♥ C

Dinner With Skeptics

I haven't been this focused during a sermon in while!  Such an awesome message.  I will be buying the book for sure.  (couldn't get the embedded video to upload, so I just had to use the link :) )

"Dinner With Skeptics" -- Series on Doubt

♥ C

Silence

   In my senior seminar class, we're reading a book by a well-known Japanese author, Shusaku Endo, called Silence.  It's a story about the persecution and trials faced by the Western missionaries that went over to Japan in the 1500's.  Part of our class assignments involve writing a 'blog' (a 1-page paper) for every class period; it can be on whatever we want, but so far I've found a lot of good thought-provoking ideas from the book and have utilized them as both an ally to finish assignments as well as times of reflection.  

.......................

    One of the major themes (and coincidentally the title) of the book we've been reading is the seemingly "silent" nature of God throughout the story in Japan.  It is a theme that every believer, looking back at their faith journey, would be able to place at one point or another.  I find it to be a very interesting point of discussion, especially among any semi-decent sized group, where the odds favor the fact that at least one or more persons is in that season at that very given moment.
    Towards the middle-end of the book, Endo is describing another time where Father Rodrigues is feeling as though God is not present.  He has been in captivity for some time, has witnessed several Japanese Christians tortured and killed, and is then about to be tormented again by the translator.  He says, "The sea was silent as if exhausted; and God, too, continued to be silent.  To this problem that kept flitting across his mind he had as yet no answer" (130).
    At those times in our lives, the silence is usually characterized by the fact that we don't see God moving in or around our situation, and we don't hear his voice speaking into our lives.  Sometimes even those outside of the situation, distant from any deep emotional connection with it, are also unable to provide an outlook more optimistic or hopeful than those within it.  The perception of silence causes some to give up on their faith, on their relationship with God.  For others who persevere and know that it is through our struggles that we grow stronger, hindsight often provides the answers we had been seeking before--we realize how God was working through those times, and that he indeed was not silent, but rather speaking in a way we did not yet know or understand.  He was working beyond our human comprehension for something far greater than we could know.
    At church we sing a song that has quickly become one of my favorites.  In the chorus we sing, "In the silence you are speaking; in the stillness you are moving; In the chaos you're still here, you're still here with us."  For me at least, that song speaks such truth and brings a peace of mind.  God doesn't always work in ways that follow the "outline" we've written up in our minds for how we think He should be present, and 'divulge information' into our lives.  Sometimes it's best that God works in the silence.  Because if we could hear Him, I'm not so sure we would listen--I know of plenty of times when I wouldn't have.  So knowing this, He instead speaks in the silence, moves in the stillness, and stays by our side in the midst of the chaos, waiting in anticipation for the day when we see how, through it all, He has been molding and shaping us into the people He created us to be.

Back to work from my slight academic detour....
♥ C

LIFE

     a little cliche? yeah.
              still good and perfectly relevant? yep.
      ♥

a good place to start.

I was thinking the other day about how easy it is to fall into the sin and ways of the world. If we're completely honest--regardless of whether it's lifestyles society promotes, movies, music, etc.--they're all very captivating and have our attention much more so than how we're to live as Christ-followers.  It's exciting, fun, pleasurable, self-indulgent, immediately gratifying...shall I go on?  We get caught up in its alluring grasp.  How do I know this??  Well by experience of course.

And then one person came to my mind...my little sister.  I love my little sister.  She is not your typical 19 year old by any standards of the world.  She is so convicted of living in a way that doesn't follow and pattern the ways of the world; and so, regardless of what other people think, I see her strive to live a pure life--her thoughts, her actions--with the mindset of seeking God and glorifying Him in all things.  She's one of my heroes.  I'm her older sister, but honestly I look up to her more than she looks up to me.  For good reason too.  I know we aren't to compare ourselves to each other because we're all fallen, and Christ is who we need to be looking to and modeling our life after.....but I want to be like her when I grow up.  Not thinking of how to justify things I know I shouldn't; or that I have it all together; or that I've grown a lot and come a long ways, so for now I'm gonna take a break.  Nope.  And while the two of us are very different, and at times I feel like the "rebel" of the family (yes dad, I still want my nose pierced. sorry ;), I get to have her as an awesome role model!

Lately, I've been convicted of living so selfishly, and when I think about the life we are called to live (like Francis Chan describe in the video from my last post)....I get overwhelmed and don't even know where to start.  How do we reach the point where Paul and the disciples were??  Where the Korean missionaries who were kidnapped were??  I look at how far I have to go, how far away that seems, and get overwhelmed and discouraged; then I just stay where I am and don't take any steps forward. 

 But what if I stop looking so far ahead?  What if I looked right in front of me.

What if I just start by taking it one day, one step forward at a time. 

Get into the Word.  Pray with fervor, forgiveness, and thankfulness.  Work at loving as Christ did.

What if I really start striving to live a pure life, in mind and body, longing to seek God and glorify Him with my life. 

That's a good place to start. 

♥ C