the golden nugget.

This is an awkward phase of life.  Anyone between the ages of 18 and 25 can most likely attest to the fact that the most consistent thing in our lives at this point is how often we are asked the questions: "How's life, what are you doing right now? What are your plans for the near/far future? What's your main goal?"

These aren't bad questions, and it's not a problem at all to be asked them--people care and just want to know.  I know I ask people these questions all the time too because it's a life phase that I'm currently sharing with them.

But it can be oh so overwhelming sometimes.  My un-spontaneous, rarely(if ever)-fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants personality..longs for consistency and and some long-term plans.  I would love to know if I will get into grad school for next year. And if so, will it be here in Sacramento, or will i be moving yet again?  Can I fully settle-in, or should I avoid putting down deep roots knowing they'll have to be pulled up in a year? I would so love to see what the next 5 years hold career/family/faith-wise.  The list goes on....

And I know I'm not alone in this.  I talk to people all the time who are headed one direction, and then realize that it's not really for them, so then it's back to the drawing board.  At home we have some younger employees who are currently dealing with the same thing--should I leave home for school and try something new? Or is it best to utilize my time here and go to school and work a while longer? 

It's tough. And it seems like such a huge decision that we have to make right the first time--one shot to decide "What do I want to do with my life?"

At church these last 2 weeks we've been blessed to have pastor Andrew McCourt from Northern Ireland staying and speaking with us.  At the college group on Thursday he said one of the most encouraging and reassuring things a group of college/20-somethings could hear:

             "You may not know what you're going to do in life, and that's ok--
                                                          but you can know who you are going to be."

Sitting there, I could almost feel the pressure lift off the shoulders of everyone in there.  A sigh of relief as we quickly jotted down this little golden nugget he had given us; something to hold onto as we continue to journey through this awkward transition, not-sure-what-I'm-doing phase in our lives.

And the more I've thought about it, and the more I've experienced and looked back on my own decisions and journey, I've realized--life isn't a bunch of individual moments and decisions that lead us the right or the wrong way, making up sections of our lives....it's a continual spectrum of intertwining threads that all make up one beautiful life that's in constant motion.

We may have to cut some threads shorter than we had planned, some will be longer than maybe we hoped, some may pull us in a direction we didn't think we would ever go in, and others may show up that we never thought would exist, but end up being the most pleasant surprise.  And all of these together make up us, each created by our most wonderful Savior with a divine purpose.  And in that, even though we may not be sure of what we will be doing in life, we always have the ability and I believe, a responsibility, to know and choose who we are going to be, and how we will glorify God through it all.

♥ C

stained glass mosaic.

We live in a world continually telling us to keep it together. Don't just let go and let yourself fall apart--if you have to cry, do it alone...keep your sins, fears, struggles, and frustrations to yourself...don't share your pain with others...save face...smile and keep on going.  We maintain a smooth surface, even though it's wearing thin with rough waters raging beneath, just waiting for a that last shred of pressure to break through and it all come gushing out.

But what's so wrong with falling apart?? Why do we run from vulnerability and letting ourselves really feel.  We tell ourselves that it's just easier to push it aside and keep moving forward--that exposing the dark crevasses in our minds will only create more problems and burden others. 

What lies the devil has caused us to believe...and how readily we do so.

One of my current favorite songs is "We Fall Apart" by We As Human.  Every time it comes up on my playlist, I'm reminded of the beauty in the messiness of life.  Like a stained glass mosaic--the broken pieces together make something far more unique and beautiful than if the glass was never broken at all.

A girl in my small group recently had a breaking moment and shared her longing for a fresh start; these last couple weeks as I've thought about her and have listened to that song, I've been reminded of some of the tangible reminders God has given us...the strength and beauty that can come from allowing ourselves to breakdown and ultimately breakthrough.  Is a remodeled house that's gutted down to the studs not built back up to be a more beautiful, stronger and sturdier home?  Does a broken bone not heal to be stronger and healthier than before it was broke?  Does a rose bush not need to be trimmed back after each spring to continue flourishing?  These processes can be (and usually are) messy, painful, arduous, lengthy, and will require help and care above that which we alone can provide.  Amen?

But we are exorbitantly resilient.  And the end result is magnificent.

It gives life substance and meaning.  It brings us closer to others and our Savior.  And we find that these pieces of our soul are our most powerful connection to one another.


It's magical and tragic, all the ways we fall apart...

♥ C