mostly cloudy with a glimmer of hope

Today was just one of those days.  One of those days where joy is hidden beneath the gray clouds in the sky, shining through every now and then, bringing a brief glimmer of hope.  On these days socializing overwhelms me, for a reason I have yet to figure out.  These days tend to be heavy traffic days in my mind, with thoughts racing every which way...today was no different.  I found myself thinking about us as human beings, God’s creation, and the life we are called to live as Christians and followers of Christ.  It’s becoming more obvious that that’s apparently the theme of this current phase in my life, especially in this time when I just feel so lost, yet at the same time so full of hope because of the strength I find in Christ.  Today I wrote a poem instead my usual style, two actually, as that was just how the words seemed to flow the best. 

Why do we hold others to such a high standard...

When we know we couldn’t even reach that mark? 

Why do we treat those we love worse than even a stranger...

Just because we know they’ll always be there?

Why does our love for others only go so far…

Yet we expect so very much in return?

Why do we care so much about what other people think…

When one day only our Savior can make the ultimate judgment.

Why do we pray to our God...
Yet aren’t always willing to sit and listen to what He has to say?

Why can the world provide us hours of entertainment on end...
But the Bible gets put on the shelf for a later day?

Why do we place judgment on others...
When we are all wonderfully and fearfully made.

Why do we praise the cross of Christ...

But hate the cross in our own lives?

Why do we praise when our lives are on track...
Yet don’t lift our voice in the midst of the storms?

_________________________________

We live each day waiting for the next,

Letting what's in front of us slip away.

We try and remedy our sorrows, dismiss our fears,

Avoid our pain, hopefully it'll be gone tomorrow.

But we can't seem to escape the brokenness around us,

No matter how hard we try it finds its way in.

We desire the world to see us as someone we're not,

Someone who's got it all together, no baggage to carry.

Bitter thoughts and grudges harden our hearts,

As if waiting for the perfect time to unleash it all.

We can't quite forgive until our side is heard,

But little do we know, we are the ones held captive.

Anger and fear, tragedy and heartbreak,

Facing shame and defeat, losing what we thought was love. 

Threatening to push us over the line,

Our mind is consumed, overwhelmed by our every thought.

But there's so much beauty to be found inside,

When we feel so lost and alone.

Desperate to find meaning, broken at the foot of the cross,

Hands held high, heart abandoned, Lord take me as I am.

Help me to love as you first loved us,

A love like that in 1 Corinthians 13.

To embrace and cherish every moment I have,

To live a life that glorifies you

To see each moment as an opportunity for fellowship,

A chance to learn, and a chance to grow.

Forgive me when I stumble, don't leave me when I stray,

And help me find the abundant joy you've given me each day

   

.....♥ C

 ^"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
                                                                                                    1 Corinthians 13:4-13

we. are. family.

   Last night my parents came in to pray with me before we all checked in for the night.  I used to see this as somewhat of an inconvenience..they always came in right at that point just before I was going to go to bed, and sometimes it becomes a Brady Bunch family gathering right there in my room. But looking at it now, I can see how Satan used my selfishness to take away from those moments and I would've found a reason for their presence to be inconvenient no matter when they came in to pray. 
   But last night I got a slight slap in the face (metaphorically), and as I looked at my parents as we were sitting together, I realized how absolutely blessed I am to have my family.  I was so consumed by this thought, that I can't even honestly say I remember what we were praying about (my apologies God :) ).  For I don't know how long, I took those moments for granted, waiting for them to end so I could get back to what I was doing and to pray by myself..as if I couldn't do that if we had already prayed as a family.  Now though, I don't get to experience this but every few months or so when I come home during school breaks, and I can see how much I have missed it, and how crucial it has been to keeping my own faith alive and growing.  I know that if our faith in Christ and the solid foundation he's been in our family wasn't there, I wouldn't be even close to where I am today and I don't know if I even would still be able to call myself a true follower of Christ, but more than likely just going through the motions.
   That said, I am so so so grateful and thankful for the family I have.  Relationships, of any sort, are the greatest gift from God; of those, I believe, family is at the top.  All often I think we get preoccupied with wishing we were like that other family, or if so-and-so were more like him/her, then our family would be better.  But if that was how it should've been, then God would've done that the first time.  It is still so amazing to me, the concept of family and how we had no control over it, but that our God chose to put us together knowing that we were what each other needed.  You have refiners and nurturers, parents and children, all working together under one roof.  And how much stronger is a family that is rooted in the Bible and in prayer, constantly in fellowship.  Even when things are challenging, the foundation is already there and it keeps a family grounded. 
   In Proverbs 27 it says that "as iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another." How applicable is this to family??  When I look at my parents and my sister and how God has worked through our lives individually and together, I can see that in each moment we share we are being sharpened and at the same time we are sharpening each other.

   The 4 of us all bring something different to the table, whether it's our personality, our upbringing, or some wisdom we've recently acquired.  This has never failed to make some great conversations, some more deep and serious, others joyous and light-hearted, and still even others that are just down-right funny (as my father would put it :) )  Either way, whether it has been a good day or a bad day, when we sit down at the dinner table or when they call me while I'm away at school, we always have our relationship with our Savior that keeps us strong, apart and together.
   We're all terrible planners, none of us have a spontaneous bone in our bodies, but the one vacation we can all agree on is anywhere with a theme park.  All of us love being home more than anywhere else.  We all drink our fair share of coffee, and have a problem with people-watching. We've acquired a new taste for the tv show Friends, and know that when dad says 'hey, let's do a quick Bible study,' we're gonna be there for awhile. :)  We all have a bit of sarcasm in our genes, it's just what we do, it keeps life fun and makes us a little more humble. :)
   But, all in all, they've taught me more about love, joy, commitment, patience, dedication, hard work, and what it means to live a life for Christ, than I would have ever learned in an entire lifetime without them.  I love and appreciate them more than they'll ever know, and if I've grown up to be anything like any of them....that's definitely ok with me  :)
.....♥ C

a beautiful way

   This morning as my sister and I were out running errands, a song came came on the radio that I had heard quite a few times before called "A Beautiful Way" by All Star United.  I never really listened to the words though until today.  In the song it talks about two people who are going through some hard things in life, something we can all relate to; but the thing that makes these two people different is the way they carry themselves through it.  When looking at their lives there's something different, something real.
   This morning for some reason this song had a different meaning.  I was thinking about how cool it would be for someone to look at my life and say, you have such a beautiful way about you.  To live a life that stood out from the others in some way, some way contrary to how our culture defines how we should live.  So often we get brought down so much by the struggles we face that we question God, at times losing sight of Him, and stunting our spiritual growth and our maturity because our hearts become calloused to what God may have for us in those times that we cannot see.  In chapel last week our campus pastor referenced the well-known verse that we must "take up our cross daily," going along with Easter which is coming up and the sacrifice Christ made for us on that day.  Following this however, he said that there are times when all of us believe we love the cross of Christ, yet we hate the cross in our own lives. 
   Especially recently there have been several times where that is where I've been; and now as feel myself coming out on the other side, I can see how God was present and working the whole time.  He was refining me only the way He can, challenging me knowing that it's exactly what I need to see the broken areas of my life that I have just pushed aside, but that are so in need of healing and refinement.  Today as I continued to work through it and try to look at each moment of uncertainty as a way to learn, I realized that I want this to be a time where how I live out and pursue my faith stops being just mediocre and average (aka--lukewarm, which Christ notes in Revelation that one who lives a life such as this will be chewed up and spat out--definitely placing some emphasis on the changes that were needing to be made).  Each day is a step forward, and I've come to realize that along with Christ, I am the biggest influence, yet also the biggest obstacle in my own life. 
   A beautiful way isn't achieving perfection, having lots of friends, finding a great job, having money, etc.  What good is it to gain the world but lose our souls??  Because trials will still come and we will be tested. When judgment day comes what will God, our creator, have to say about my life and the trials I faced, the opportunities I was given?  Did I at the very least show love??
    For the last question, I want to be able to be able to answer yes without a single doubt in my mind.  For the former, I want God to look at my life and say "well done, good and faithful servant, in you I am well-pleased--what a beautiful way you have about you."  How great of a day will that be?!?!  :) 
    Now as I turn the corner, with a heart and mind ready to be molded by the One who made it all, I start by just making simple changes.  What am I listening to, what am I seeing, what am I saying?  What is my mind being filled with?  Does it glorify God?  In all situations, to all people, am I showing compassion, love, and grace?  Seeing that I've failed in all these areas numerous times, I figured that's an excellent place to start. :)  So now it's just time to put complete trust and faith in Him, knowing that He is full of grace for when I fail, patience for when I stumble, faithfulness for when I'm lost and confused, and love for every moment :)
.....
♥ C

Dear God,

 

  These last few months have been more trying than most.  Never have I felt so alone, yet so aware of your presence.  It's almost as if I'm seeing you through a window.  I can see you, I can vaguely hear you, but I can't quite reach you.  When I pray I don't know what to say or where to begin.  I'm tired of always praying the same prayer, but my mind just goes blank and I pray the same thing yet again.  Some days I feel as through on my side of the window I'm surrounded by so many people and they're all moving so fast, but you're not there next to me.  Making it through, just going day by day, sometimes feels like I'm aimlessly wandering through a field of obligations, each reaching for a piece of my heart and my mind, wanting to consume my thoughts and the very life I'm living.  I lose sight of you, as our relationship seems to be the first thing to go whenever I become overwhelmed.  Why is this when I need you more than ever?  I don't know, but I am so sorry. 
  In Matthew it says that we are blessed when we get our inside world--our hearts and our minds--set right.  Only then can we see you in the outside world and be effective witnesses, bearing fruit for your kingdom.  Now, on my knees, as I lay it all at your feet, I can see so clearly that my heart and my mind have not been set right, and I am struggling to see you in the world around me.  You've commanded us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and that our actions reveal the true condition of our hearts.  At this moment, I don't think I can honestly and humbly say that my mind has been renewed and that the true condition of my heart would glorify you.  They're filled with so many selfish and deceitful things, why you would love me as much as you do is beyond me.  But each day I'm so amazed and thankful that your grace and mercies are new, and you've filled me with a love and a hope that far surpasses any human understanding.   
  My greatest fear in all of this, in this time of being completely lost and unsure, is that this light that you've brought into my life, the fire you've ignited, would go out.  And those people I encounter that I am to be a witness for with my life and the love I have--whether they are there for years or just for a moment--wouldn't see that fire. They wouldn't see it because I wasn't living it.  So many people just need a reason to believe, and I want You in life to be that reason.  So Lord as I go out today, fill me with strength, as I tend to take the easier route.  Forgive me when I fail, pick me up when I fall, and help me along when I stumble.   
  I see you in the distance, waiting with open arms.  Break me down, but don't let me go.  I need your strength to get through this, and only you can feel this void.  Break down these walls I've built with my insecurities and my fears, my false hope in worldly things.  Break my heart for what breaks yours.  Meet me in this place of fear and uncertainty and replace those things that keep me from you with hope and the fruits of your spirit, that they may overflow from my heart into the world around me.  Hold my broken heart in my broken life, bring healing, and mold it into a life that glorifies You.
  I love you Lord, you are my refuge and my strength; my ever present help in time of need.  Help me to be still, and know that You are God.
  "I hold this hope inside, that you'll never leave me.  When all around me starts to fall, and when my faith it seems so small, and in my darkest hour...I will believe." Mainstay-Believe
...♥ C