Dear God,

 

  These last few months have been more trying than most.  Never have I felt so alone, yet so aware of your presence.  It's almost as if I'm seeing you through a window.  I can see you, I can vaguely hear you, but I can't quite reach you.  When I pray I don't know what to say or where to begin.  I'm tired of always praying the same prayer, but my mind just goes blank and I pray the same thing yet again.  Some days I feel as through on my side of the window I'm surrounded by so many people and they're all moving so fast, but you're not there next to me.  Making it through, just going day by day, sometimes feels like I'm aimlessly wandering through a field of obligations, each reaching for a piece of my heart and my mind, wanting to consume my thoughts and the very life I'm living.  I lose sight of you, as our relationship seems to be the first thing to go whenever I become overwhelmed.  Why is this when I need you more than ever?  I don't know, but I am so sorry. 
  In Matthew it says that we are blessed when we get our inside world--our hearts and our minds--set right.  Only then can we see you in the outside world and be effective witnesses, bearing fruit for your kingdom.  Now, on my knees, as I lay it all at your feet, I can see so clearly that my heart and my mind have not been set right, and I am struggling to see you in the world around me.  You've commanded us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and that our actions reveal the true condition of our hearts.  At this moment, I don't think I can honestly and humbly say that my mind has been renewed and that the true condition of my heart would glorify you.  They're filled with so many selfish and deceitful things, why you would love me as much as you do is beyond me.  But each day I'm so amazed and thankful that your grace and mercies are new, and you've filled me with a love and a hope that far surpasses any human understanding.   
  My greatest fear in all of this, in this time of being completely lost and unsure, is that this light that you've brought into my life, the fire you've ignited, would go out.  And those people I encounter that I am to be a witness for with my life and the love I have--whether they are there for years or just for a moment--wouldn't see that fire. They wouldn't see it because I wasn't living it.  So many people just need a reason to believe, and I want You in life to be that reason.  So Lord as I go out today, fill me with strength, as I tend to take the easier route.  Forgive me when I fail, pick me up when I fall, and help me along when I stumble.   
  I see you in the distance, waiting with open arms.  Break me down, but don't let me go.  I need your strength to get through this, and only you can feel this void.  Break down these walls I've built with my insecurities and my fears, my false hope in worldly things.  Break my heart for what breaks yours.  Meet me in this place of fear and uncertainty and replace those things that keep me from you with hope and the fruits of your spirit, that they may overflow from my heart into the world around me.  Hold my broken heart in my broken life, bring healing, and mold it into a life that glorifies You.
  I love you Lord, you are my refuge and my strength; my ever present help in time of need.  Help me to be still, and know that You are God.
  "I hold this hope inside, that you'll never leave me.  When all around me starts to fall, and when my faith it seems so small, and in my darkest hour...I will believe." Mainstay-Believe
...♥ C