brick wall

   In four weeks from today, I will be in Egypt on a missions trip with five others.  We have been meeting consistently ever since Christmas break, but in the last meeting we had on Sunday it really started to become so real to all of us that this experience is coming up and it's coming up fast!  We are all so excited and cannot wait to see what God has for us there and how we will be used, but also to see how the people there will be used and what we will learn from them (I'll talk about the trip more specifically at some other point in time) 
   But anyways, after we took care of some logistics of the trip, we continued sharing our 'testimonies' of our relationship with Christ throughout the course of lives, and it happened to be my turn.  I went through what I had designated as each "spiritual phase" in my life, individually as well as within my family, encompassing childhood, junior high, high school, and now.  At first, it had seemed to be just one way for us all to get to know each other a little better and to gain a better understanding of where each person is and how it is they got there.  However as I started talking about it, it became a much needed time of reflection as well, as I've never really looked at the course of my faith from beginning until now.  Certain things became clearer, such as the fact that in high school...my faith wasn't really growing much at all.  Yeah there were points of spiritual highs, but not really much growth per say.  That said, it meant that I was dying.  We either grow or we die--but we never remain the same.  And for some reason after I finished telling this to my group, as challenging as it was since pride tends to get in the way of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and recognize those areas in our life, I had a new sense of clarity of why I am where I am today and what God has been doing during the struggle I've had these last few months. 
   Within that time where I was "dying" spiritually, particularly in the latter part of high school, the foundation of my faith became weak and I simply went through the motions.  The outside looked ok, but on the inside I was being pulled by the world and was gradually becoming a lukewarm, "Sunday" Christian--the person Christ speaks of Revelation, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm...you will be chewed up and spat back out." All I can say is thank goodness for God's unending grace and mercy, His faithfulness in our lives, and the immense amount of love He has for us. 
   After that humbling experience when our meeting was over, I started thinking about where I am today and how I have felt so broken, but at the same time growing in my faith; and then it became really clear.  The image that came to mind was a brick wall.  The bottom layer or two were strong, representing my faith when I was younger, built on how I had experienced Him as a child, learning about Him and going through the different stories in the Bible, having that child-like faith.  As I got older the wall was still growing taller, but it wasn't as sturdy.  The areas where solid concrete would have normally held together the bricks of a growing faith, mud and other things were being incorporated in as well.
   Since I've been here, my faith has been growing, as the way I had been living before wasn't all of what God has called me too.  So as I began to change and adjust certain things and truly seek to live out the faith I have claimed since I was younger, the new layers of the wall were sturdier.  The problem though was that the foundation below it was still weak. 
   That's when I realized (and had this image pop into my head) what God has been doing in my life most recently.  He has been breaking down the wall I had built, right back down to the small but strong foundation.  All of the crap and mud there had been in between, crumbled and was broken down.  I've started again, but this time building up a wall that won't crumble and fall.  I've had to start back at the basics.  Simply getting to know God for who He is in my life, and then living that out.  Recently it's been on my heart to simply learn how to love the way God does.
   And I know I'll fail, but my prayer is that God will continue to reveal my brokenness and break down those areas of my life that aren't built in His name and His power.  That those bricks that are labeled with our fears, our pride, our selfishness, our shame, our doubt, our worldly idols, our sin, etc., would be knocked down.  Then our wall can continue to be built up as our relationship with Christ grows, with bricks that represent the passion for God's will in our lives, humbleness, selflessness, our confidence in Him, our freedom from the bondage of sin, and the fruits of the spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control--sealed in with the concrete of His never ending and unchanging love, grace, mercy, strength, faithfulness, and His just plain awesomeness :)
....♥ C

"No longer conform to the patterns of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your minds.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will
is; His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

                                                  Romans 12:2

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ."

                                   Philippians 3:8
"What good is it to gain the whole world, but lose your soul?"
                                   Matthew 16:26