my hands are empty, but my heart is full.

You know those songs, that when you hear them for the first time, they just hit you right where you're at?? 

      Your fears.
                         Your prayers.
                                                Your struggles.
                                                                          Your hopes.

The other morning I was driving to class, bright and early, and a song--"Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets--came on the radio.

And life was still for a moment--I can't remember the last time life was that still.  It didn't last long, but as I listened to the lyrics, I became overwhelmed by its message.  I couldn't help but think, this song was written for me. To me. 

It summed up exactly where my heart has been the last few months. Good, but consumed.  Consumed with school and work. Consumed by the desire to be home with my family because that's where I feel at peace. Consumed by thoughts of uncertainty as to what my living situation transition will look like in the next couple months.  Consumed with some serious and scary life happenings--the kind that make you want to never again forget to tell someone how much you love and appreciate them.

And when all of this is going on, I forget to be consumed by the most important thing of all--my Lord and Savior. Consumed with His peace, His grace, His love, His mercy.

I go through days sometimes, where I let the busy circumstances get the best of me, and when I stop to catch my breath...I feel lonely. And kind of like, welp, not too sure what step to take next. Do you know the feeling??

And for a brief moment within my own life, I'm paralyzed.

It's been is perplexing for me, because it's seemingly different than anything I've worked through before. When people ask how I'm doing, I say "I'm busy but doing well!" Which I am. But part of me feels conflicted because that's not entirely true.  But how do I try and express something that I myself and not even sure of?? And something that feels like I'm just complaining and ungrateful? When it seems I should be completely happy and excited about life right now and where it's going.

I just don't know. But what I need to continually remind myself of, is that I am the furthest thing from alone. I have to stop fighting against this emotion. God (and a whole lot of people I love so much) are there with me in the journey.

I will trust in you. You've never failed me before. I will wait for you. Whichever road to take, peace whenever I need to be still, whatever Your will....help me find it.

My hands are empty, but my heart is full.


♥ C