time.

  It's kinda funny how time works.  It's a continuum that never stops, yet it is broken up into periods that we have predetermined.  Centuries, decades, years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds....we created them to help us grasp this uncontrollable, incomprehensible concept.  It gives us a sense of security, that although we can't stop it, rewind it, fast forward it, or determine when ours will be up--we find comfort in its consistency, in its reliability to be the same.  A minute will always be 60 seconds, an hour will always be 60 minutes, a year will always be 12 months, 52 weeks, or 365 days..however you want to define it.  Time in an essence helps decrease some stress.  It allows us to break our lives into smaller portions that are easier to digest.  With this year coming to an end and a new one just around the corner, we look back on the entirety of its events--the ups and downs, the spectrum of emotions, the people we've met, the relationships that grew stronger, the relationships that have faded, the experiences that changed our direction, the good and bad choices we've made...and everything in between.  Only our God is outside the bonds of time, so we do what we can--we reflect and ponder, plan and wonder, set goals and prepare for the days ahead, and continue to learn from the days that have come and gone.
  God has taught and challenged me more this year than I think in all the other 19 years combined.  Maybe it's because I was more attuned to what He has been saying.  Maybe it's because He's showing me how valuable time actually is; that I only get one shot to live the life He's called me to, to be something bigger than myself.  But only time will tell.

♥ C

greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world

    You know those times when you just pause in the midst of it all and the only thing you can think to do is just sigh and tell yourself, it's just one of those days.  Well the last 5 days or so have been like that.  There's a million things running through my mind and I just can't seem to quite grasp it all, because when I get a semi-good handle on one thing...another comes up...and it's this mental tango between them all. It's a place I haven't been in awhile. And in the uncomfortableness, inconvenience of it all, everything within my selfish flesh wants to write certain parts of my life off for the meantime; I want to take a week and just go somewhere remote and completely disconnected from it all.  Yet, God's love and grace continues to gently remind me each day that it's through these times of trial and suffering and sadness and hurt that we have the most opportunity for growth and learning.  That this is still a glorious moment in my life, a moment where I still have breath to breathe, a life to live--and I should be living accordingly.
    Suffering is a part of our Christian walk because there is sin in our lives.  Christ suffered for us, leaving us an example to live by..and it's by his wounds that I've been healed.  It's more often than not suffering that wakes us up, that gives us that slight slap in the face if you will, a love tap from God.  But it's also suffering that connects us with the suffering God.  So the question then becomes...am I letting his wounds heal me?  And therefore change me, more and more each day, into the person he created me to be?  Surrendering my heart and mind to the will he has for me?
    Romans is one of my favorite books in the Bible and Paul is one of my favorite writers.  He's honest but loving, he challenges but he's also encouraging.  I have a lot of favorite verses, quite a few being in Romans actually, but the one that has continued to resonate in my mind this week is Romans 5:3-5. He says to the Roman church: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  Here Paul is talking about peace and joy which, as of late, has felt just out of my reach. But as I read his words, I'm convicted and I cannot help but rejoice in the hope that we have in our God.  I cannot imagine going through this life without it.  People like Paul, David, John the Baptist...they understood that, and I'm fascinated and inspired by the lives they led.
    So that said, I'm beginning to get a better grasp on the notion of connecting with our suffering God; of being of this world but not in it; of ridding me of myself because I belong to Him; that His timing is not my own--which is a good thing because my timing and idea of how things should go would screw everything up, so thank goodness for a sovereign, loving God that ever-so gently reminds me of that! :] And being in the Word and in prayer and in fellowship, I will only come to know this God more and more, developing a deep relationship with the one who loves me more than I could ever fathom.  A family friend of ours put it in this way...the destination is not about a goal, but about the journey.  It's almost cliche sounding, but what a true statement.  How often I keep my eyes on a fixed point in the future, thinking that once I reach that mark I'll be able to check that off the list and move on to the next.  When in reality, life isn't a checklist and the only thing my eyes should be fixed on is eternity.  The walk I go through in life is continual venture with the God I serve, taking in each present moment he gives me. In it there will be joy, peace, love, challenges, suffering, hope, relationship...you can name the rest...but all nonetheless making up my story. A story I need to be an active part of, not a bystander watching it all unfold.
   It's been a tough couple days, but I can't help but be overwhelmed with hope.  God's timing is not my own (thank goodness), he knows the plans he has for me, and he works all things for the good of those who love him.

....♥ C

carpe diem

   It's been awhile since I've written a blog, the words just wouldn't seem to come.  It's been awhile since I've sat down and just let God fill me back up, life seems to be pressing on and I haven't been able to slow down.  But as of yesterday, life has finally settled a little bit, and I feel like I will finally be able to come to the surface and catch my breath; and it's not because I've been extremely busy, although these last few months have been rather full, but I feel so exhausted because my mind has been so consumed with a million different things.  I look back on these last 6 months--from school, to my trip to Egypt, to my social life, to struggling with bouts of depression--it all seems like a blur.  However, it's in these last 6 months where I've grown the most, where I've been the most challenged, where I've been completely broken...but where I've met with and seen our God in the most real and powerful and amazing way.  
   Lately it's been on my heart to really focus on doing three things: reflect more, risk more, and do more things that will live on after I die.  This all came about after I heard about a survey given to 100 people over the age of 90 asking what they would do differently if they could go back and do it over--those were the three most common answers.  And the more I thought about it the more I saw that in a life truly lived for Christ, those three things are in abundance. And when I think about them, they seem to fit hand in hand with the past, present, and the future --
- Reflecting: looking back at my life thus far, my choices, my relationships, my attitude, my mind, my heart; coming before my God and Savior completely humbled and broken, so thankful for his endless love and grace. 
- Risking: looking at my life in that moment, seeking out opportunities to share and to show love, knowing that God, although never promising it would be easy, is right behind me all the time, watching over and protecting me.  Putting all my faith and trusting in Him completely, because it is He who is in control of the situation; and it is then, when we are in our most vulnerable moments, that we grow and our lives are transformed.
- Legacy: Within the context of eternity, our lives are a mere blink.  But when I'm gone, there still is a life to be remembered; and with my voice then silenced, only the life I've lived will speak to who I was.  Regardless of my intentions, my actions and the life I lead is what will speak to the condition of my heart.  Will those actions reflect the love I have found in Christ?  Will the things I've done, and the relationships I have be remembered because the root of it all was a love and a passion for Christ and his Kingdom come? Or everything but. 
   Last night as I sat in church, moved by the presence of God that overwhelmed me, I realized that I've been trying to fit God into my life, rather than seeing myself as a part of his kingdom.  And this isn't to say I don't think God is in my life, but instead that I've been trying to put God in this box known as 'my life.' But as much as God is there, He's also everywhere else.  He fills the entire universe and then some.  I look at the stars every night and I am in awe.  They are incredible distances away, and I cannot help but think about how awesome it is that my God--with his endless love, grace, and power--extends beyond even the furthest star, but has also found its way into the depths of my heart. 
   We are to be active members of his Kingdom come, and His will to be done does not involve standing around.  God desires for us to be proactive, to be involved, to be vulnerable, to challenge ourselves, to come alongside others in community, to reflect, to risk, and to do things that live on even after our time has passed.  And each day is a fresh start, and new chance to seize every opportunity we can.
....♥ C 

"For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.  He is before all things, and in him all things all things hold together....And through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross." 
                      Colossians 1:16-20

an experience beyond words

   It's been about a week and a half since I returned back home from my missions trip to Egypt, and my mind is still reeling over the experience, trying to piece together everything I witnessed and learned, and apply to my life here.  Never in my life have I ever had an experience that even comes close to the experience I had during my short time spent in Egypt.  Culturally, emotionally, and spiritually...it was beyond the description words can provide.  But I'm going to try, because it was truly a life-changing experience, and God calls us to share with one another, not to keep how He is working in the world and in our lives only within ourselves. 
   Culturally, I found myself engulfed in a way of life so far different than my own.  Different sites, different food, different people, different language, different religion...just different.  Never have I ever felt so alienated from the reality around me, which made it that much harder to adjust and adapt to the new way of life we would be living in for the next 2 1/2 weeks.  One of the hardest things for me, which seems like such a small inconvenience but I actually really struggled with it, was constantly being stared at.  We are definitely not what they're used to seeing everyday outside of the touristy areas; and being American Christians in an Arabic Muslim country, we apparently were quite the spectacle. Haha.  But that said, all this also made us so much more grateful for the warm welcome and loving hospitality we received from our new family in Tema and all the church families we went and visited.  Needless to say, we each worked through the issue of adapting and adjusting to the new culture both individually and as a team, and we all felt so blessed and were so elated that we were able to experience even a small dose of life within this culture.
   Emotionally, it was a roller coaster.  Looking back I seem to have felt every emotion on some level or another, sometimes all within the course of a day.  We could go from eating lunch with Pastor Gamal and Mony and just enjoying the wonderful fellowship we were able to have, to sitting in a church service with women wailing and praying so desperately behind us, realizing that I don't even have the slightest idea of what true desperation and passion for God is.  But I was so grateful for my team and the people that they are, as we were able to come together each night and discuss the day we had just experienced.  From the funny moments, to the things we were wrestling and struggling with, to the new ways we were experiencing God.  And then we would pray, lifting up each other and lifting up the people we were in community with, praying for the words God would have us share in our testimonies, open hearts and minds to hear and see what He has for us there, and the energy we needed to give our very best.
   Spiritually is where I've struggled the most, but where I've also seen the most growth.  It was a new journey that started in Egypt, but continues to challenge me each day.  I'm still in that place of sorting everything out, trying to apply what I saw and what I learned to my everyday life here.  We knew it would be a challenge, but I honestly didn't think it would be quite this hard.  And the hardest part (which I was not anticipating)....was being back at church here.  Last Sunday was our first Sunday back, and Hannah and I were so excited to be back at church where we could understand what was being preached and sing along in worship.  But after church we were talking, both of us realizing that this was going to be significantly harder than we thought.  As I sat amongst the seemingly lack of desperation for God, I found myself so desperate for Him.  It was the hardest church service I've ever sat through.  Not because of anything the pastor said, but because of the struggle within myself after experiencing what we did in Egypt.  All I could do was pray.  God I need you.  I didn't think it was going to be this hard.  I had just come back from a place where people went to church everyday, not because they had to, but because there was nothing else in their lives that was distracting that from the fulfillment and life and hope that God brings.  They understand what it means to completely trust in God for life's basic needs.  They understand that without God they really have nothing.  They aren't wrapped up and consumed by the multitude of things that often entrap our hearts and minds.  They understand that you're either alive in Christ or dead to the world.  They get it.  And I have yet to even wrap my mind around the fact that they do.  It was beyond amazing to see.  To see them there, knowing that they have so much work they could be doing, not to earn lots of money so they can buy a nice car and a better home, but work they need to do just to feed their families.  But they come to worship and to pray, to thank the God who gave them their hands to work, who gave them the resources they need, as small as it may be...and they're thankful and they give all the glory to God.  But where are those people here??  If I'm honest with myself, I know that is not the testimony of my life. 
   And that is what I've had the hardest time with.  I realize that life isn't the same here as it is in Upper Egypt.  But the God we worship is the same.  How can I take all that I experienced and learned there, and apply it to my life here today.  I know that I have so much opportunity for growth, which I think is the best place to start.  God gave me that experience and I was so blessed to be a part of it.  He was so alive and present there, but He is still so alive and present here.  And when I am faithful to Him he is faithful to me, and he will guide me and teach me.  I won't always get it, it won't be super comfortable as change generally isn't, and I know I will stumble.  But when I put my faith and trust in God, I can never fail.
....♥ C

EGYPT!!!

   

   So today we are leaving for Egypt.  I am so excited.  I haven't talked about it at all yet so I started a new blog http://egyptmissions2010.blogspot.com/  Right now it's only a quick synapses telling a little bit about the trip, more to come when I get back.
   Preparing for the trip, my prayer has been that I wouldn't let my fears and insecurities hold me back as they have so many times in the past.  I want to glean all I can and grow so much stronger in my faith, but so often my fears have inhibited that, as I feel it has for many of us.  Satan knows just how to use them in his attempt to destroy us.  Our insecurities eat away at our faith, our relationships, and our lives as a whole.  Only God can give us the strength and confidence we need to conquer them, so as I prayed, I prayed for an abundance of both :)  And I will need to pray that prayer every morning as we go out to share His love. 
   I'm excited to see how my life will be changed there and how it will translate into my life here.  I will most definitely share my experience with you, as community and relationship is crucial to our faith, and my insecurities in that area can no longer hold me back.  :)
Until I get back...
...♥ C

brick wall

   In four weeks from today, I will be in Egypt on a missions trip with five others.  We have been meeting consistently ever since Christmas break, but in the last meeting we had on Sunday it really started to become so real to all of us that this experience is coming up and it's coming up fast!  We are all so excited and cannot wait to see what God has for us there and how we will be used, but also to see how the people there will be used and what we will learn from them (I'll talk about the trip more specifically at some other point in time) 
   But anyways, after we took care of some logistics of the trip, we continued sharing our 'testimonies' of our relationship with Christ throughout the course of lives, and it happened to be my turn.  I went through what I had designated as each "spiritual phase" in my life, individually as well as within my family, encompassing childhood, junior high, high school, and now.  At first, it had seemed to be just one way for us all to get to know each other a little better and to gain a better understanding of where each person is and how it is they got there.  However as I started talking about it, it became a much needed time of reflection as well, as I've never really looked at the course of my faith from beginning until now.  Certain things became clearer, such as the fact that in high school...my faith wasn't really growing much at all.  Yeah there were points of spiritual highs, but not really much growth per say.  That said, it meant that I was dying.  We either grow or we die--but we never remain the same.  And for some reason after I finished telling this to my group, as challenging as it was since pride tends to get in the way of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and recognize those areas in our life, I had a new sense of clarity of why I am where I am today and what God has been doing during the struggle I've had these last few months. 
   Within that time where I was "dying" spiritually, particularly in the latter part of high school, the foundation of my faith became weak and I simply went through the motions.  The outside looked ok, but on the inside I was being pulled by the world and was gradually becoming a lukewarm, "Sunday" Christian--the person Christ speaks of Revelation, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm...you will be chewed up and spat back out." All I can say is thank goodness for God's unending grace and mercy, His faithfulness in our lives, and the immense amount of love He has for us. 
   After that humbling experience when our meeting was over, I started thinking about where I am today and how I have felt so broken, but at the same time growing in my faith; and then it became really clear.  The image that came to mind was a brick wall.  The bottom layer or two were strong, representing my faith when I was younger, built on how I had experienced Him as a child, learning about Him and going through the different stories in the Bible, having that child-like faith.  As I got older the wall was still growing taller, but it wasn't as sturdy.  The areas where solid concrete would have normally held together the bricks of a growing faith, mud and other things were being incorporated in as well.
   Since I've been here, my faith has been growing, as the way I had been living before wasn't all of what God has called me too.  So as I began to change and adjust certain things and truly seek to live out the faith I have claimed since I was younger, the new layers of the wall were sturdier.  The problem though was that the foundation below it was still weak. 
   That's when I realized (and had this image pop into my head) what God has been doing in my life most recently.  He has been breaking down the wall I had built, right back down to the small but strong foundation.  All of the crap and mud there had been in between, crumbled and was broken down.  I've started again, but this time building up a wall that won't crumble and fall.  I've had to start back at the basics.  Simply getting to know God for who He is in my life, and then living that out.  Recently it's been on my heart to simply learn how to love the way God does.
   And I know I'll fail, but my prayer is that God will continue to reveal my brokenness and break down those areas of my life that aren't built in His name and His power.  That those bricks that are labeled with our fears, our pride, our selfishness, our shame, our doubt, our worldly idols, our sin, etc., would be knocked down.  Then our wall can continue to be built up as our relationship with Christ grows, with bricks that represent the passion for God's will in our lives, humbleness, selflessness, our confidence in Him, our freedom from the bondage of sin, and the fruits of the spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control--sealed in with the concrete of His never ending and unchanging love, grace, mercy, strength, faithfulness, and His just plain awesomeness :)
....♥ C

"No longer conform to the patterns of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your minds.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will
is; His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

                                                  Romans 12:2

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ."

                                   Philippians 3:8
"What good is it to gain the whole world, but lose your soul?"
                                   Matthew 16:26

a beautiful day, a beautiful life

   Today is a great day.  Three days ago Christ was crucified, dying as an innocent man for our sins.  Each and every one of them, paying the price for eternity with Him, a price we could never pay because of the sin in our lives.  Our pride, our selfishness, our inability to forgive, our actions that bring Him all but glory...He died for every one.  But what makes Him our savior, what makes Him not just another worldly god, is that he rose again.  He defeated sin and conquered death and the grave on this day so that we may live with hope and confidence.  How great is our God?!?  To Him be all the glory.  

   This last week I got to be home and spend a lot of time with my family.  I was so excited to be home, the break couldn't have been more needed.  I got to spend a lot of time just slowing down, taking the chance to just sit and reflect on these last few months, and the month I have ahead of me before school is done and I head to Egypt.  As much as I am glad to see the light at the end of this tunnel known as spring semester 2010, it would be foolish of me to keep moving forward and miss all that I could have gleaned from this time.  I have grown so much spiritually and God has never been more real to me.  I've been convicted, challenged, and encouraged, and will praise Him through it all.
   I love the joy that comes along with Easter.  Not only is it beautiful outside, with spring on it's way, flowers blooming and everything is green again, but there is so much beauty in our lives as well.  There's beauty in our families and our friendships, in our challenges and our achievements, and more than anything in our love for others and our love for God.
   Three remain...faith, hope, and love... but the greatest of these is love.  His love was made perfect on the day Christ died on the cross and the day He rose again.  We will never find a greater beauty than that.  :)

   "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all.  I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrender, all I am is yours."

   "In my life, be lifted high.  In my world, be lifted high.  In my love, be lifted high."

....♥ C

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."

                                                                                1 Peter 1:3

"He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit."
                                                                                 Titus 3:5

 HAPPY EASTER!!! :)

mostly cloudy with a glimmer of hope

Today was just one of those days.  One of those days where joy is hidden beneath the gray clouds in the sky, shining through every now and then, bringing a brief glimmer of hope.  On these days socializing overwhelms me, for a reason I have yet to figure out.  These days tend to be heavy traffic days in my mind, with thoughts racing every which way...today was no different.  I found myself thinking about us as human beings, God’s creation, and the life we are called to live as Christians and followers of Christ.  It’s becoming more obvious that that’s apparently the theme of this current phase in my life, especially in this time when I just feel so lost, yet at the same time so full of hope because of the strength I find in Christ.  Today I wrote a poem instead my usual style, two actually, as that was just how the words seemed to flow the best. 

Why do we hold others to such a high standard...

When we know we couldn’t even reach that mark? 

Why do we treat those we love worse than even a stranger...

Just because we know they’ll always be there?

Why does our love for others only go so far…

Yet we expect so very much in return?

Why do we care so much about what other people think…

When one day only our Savior can make the ultimate judgment.

Why do we pray to our God...
Yet aren’t always willing to sit and listen to what He has to say?

Why can the world provide us hours of entertainment on end...
But the Bible gets put on the shelf for a later day?

Why do we place judgment on others...
When we are all wonderfully and fearfully made.

Why do we praise the cross of Christ...

But hate the cross in our own lives?

Why do we praise when our lives are on track...
Yet don’t lift our voice in the midst of the storms?

_________________________________

We live each day waiting for the next,

Letting what's in front of us slip away.

We try and remedy our sorrows, dismiss our fears,

Avoid our pain, hopefully it'll be gone tomorrow.

But we can't seem to escape the brokenness around us,

No matter how hard we try it finds its way in.

We desire the world to see us as someone we're not,

Someone who's got it all together, no baggage to carry.

Bitter thoughts and grudges harden our hearts,

As if waiting for the perfect time to unleash it all.

We can't quite forgive until our side is heard,

But little do we know, we are the ones held captive.

Anger and fear, tragedy and heartbreak,

Facing shame and defeat, losing what we thought was love. 

Threatening to push us over the line,

Our mind is consumed, overwhelmed by our every thought.

But there's so much beauty to be found inside,

When we feel so lost and alone.

Desperate to find meaning, broken at the foot of the cross,

Hands held high, heart abandoned, Lord take me as I am.

Help me to love as you first loved us,

A love like that in 1 Corinthians 13.

To embrace and cherish every moment I have,

To live a life that glorifies you

To see each moment as an opportunity for fellowship,

A chance to learn, and a chance to grow.

Forgive me when I stumble, don't leave me when I stray,

And help me find the abundant joy you've given me each day

   

.....♥ C

 ^"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
                                                                                                    1 Corinthians 13:4-13

we. are. family.

   Last night my parents came in to pray with me before we all checked in for the night.  I used to see this as somewhat of an inconvenience..they always came in right at that point just before I was going to go to bed, and sometimes it becomes a Brady Bunch family gathering right there in my room. But looking at it now, I can see how Satan used my selfishness to take away from those moments and I would've found a reason for their presence to be inconvenient no matter when they came in to pray. 
   But last night I got a slight slap in the face (metaphorically), and as I looked at my parents as we were sitting together, I realized how absolutely blessed I am to have my family.  I was so consumed by this thought, that I can't even honestly say I remember what we were praying about (my apologies God :) ).  For I don't know how long, I took those moments for granted, waiting for them to end so I could get back to what I was doing and to pray by myself..as if I couldn't do that if we had already prayed as a family.  Now though, I don't get to experience this but every few months or so when I come home during school breaks, and I can see how much I have missed it, and how crucial it has been to keeping my own faith alive and growing.  I know that if our faith in Christ and the solid foundation he's been in our family wasn't there, I wouldn't be even close to where I am today and I don't know if I even would still be able to call myself a true follower of Christ, but more than likely just going through the motions.
   That said, I am so so so grateful and thankful for the family I have.  Relationships, of any sort, are the greatest gift from God; of those, I believe, family is at the top.  All often I think we get preoccupied with wishing we were like that other family, or if so-and-so were more like him/her, then our family would be better.  But if that was how it should've been, then God would've done that the first time.  It is still so amazing to me, the concept of family and how we had no control over it, but that our God chose to put us together knowing that we were what each other needed.  You have refiners and nurturers, parents and children, all working together under one roof.  And how much stronger is a family that is rooted in the Bible and in prayer, constantly in fellowship.  Even when things are challenging, the foundation is already there and it keeps a family grounded. 
   In Proverbs 27 it says that "as iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another." How applicable is this to family??  When I look at my parents and my sister and how God has worked through our lives individually and together, I can see that in each moment we share we are being sharpened and at the same time we are sharpening each other.

   The 4 of us all bring something different to the table, whether it's our personality, our upbringing, or some wisdom we've recently acquired.  This has never failed to make some great conversations, some more deep and serious, others joyous and light-hearted, and still even others that are just down-right funny (as my father would put it :) )  Either way, whether it has been a good day or a bad day, when we sit down at the dinner table or when they call me while I'm away at school, we always have our relationship with our Savior that keeps us strong, apart and together.
   We're all terrible planners, none of us have a spontaneous bone in our bodies, but the one vacation we can all agree on is anywhere with a theme park.  All of us love being home more than anywhere else.  We all drink our fair share of coffee, and have a problem with people-watching. We've acquired a new taste for the tv show Friends, and know that when dad says 'hey, let's do a quick Bible study,' we're gonna be there for awhile. :)  We all have a bit of sarcasm in our genes, it's just what we do, it keeps life fun and makes us a little more humble. :)
   But, all in all, they've taught me more about love, joy, commitment, patience, dedication, hard work, and what it means to live a life for Christ, than I would have ever learned in an entire lifetime without them.  I love and appreciate them more than they'll ever know, and if I've grown up to be anything like any of them....that's definitely ok with me  :)
.....♥ C

a beautiful way

   This morning as my sister and I were out running errands, a song came came on the radio that I had heard quite a few times before called "A Beautiful Way" by All Star United.  I never really listened to the words though until today.  In the song it talks about two people who are going through some hard things in life, something we can all relate to; but the thing that makes these two people different is the way they carry themselves through it.  When looking at their lives there's something different, something real.
   This morning for some reason this song had a different meaning.  I was thinking about how cool it would be for someone to look at my life and say, you have such a beautiful way about you.  To live a life that stood out from the others in some way, some way contrary to how our culture defines how we should live.  So often we get brought down so much by the struggles we face that we question God, at times losing sight of Him, and stunting our spiritual growth and our maturity because our hearts become calloused to what God may have for us in those times that we cannot see.  In chapel last week our campus pastor referenced the well-known verse that we must "take up our cross daily," going along with Easter which is coming up and the sacrifice Christ made for us on that day.  Following this however, he said that there are times when all of us believe we love the cross of Christ, yet we hate the cross in our own lives. 
   Especially recently there have been several times where that is where I've been; and now as feel myself coming out on the other side, I can see how God was present and working the whole time.  He was refining me only the way He can, challenging me knowing that it's exactly what I need to see the broken areas of my life that I have just pushed aside, but that are so in need of healing and refinement.  Today as I continued to work through it and try to look at each moment of uncertainty as a way to learn, I realized that I want this to be a time where how I live out and pursue my faith stops being just mediocre and average (aka--lukewarm, which Christ notes in Revelation that one who lives a life such as this will be chewed up and spat out--definitely placing some emphasis on the changes that were needing to be made).  Each day is a step forward, and I've come to realize that along with Christ, I am the biggest influence, yet also the biggest obstacle in my own life. 
   A beautiful way isn't achieving perfection, having lots of friends, finding a great job, having money, etc.  What good is it to gain the world but lose our souls??  Because trials will still come and we will be tested. When judgment day comes what will God, our creator, have to say about my life and the trials I faced, the opportunities I was given?  Did I at the very least show love??
    For the last question, I want to be able to be able to answer yes without a single doubt in my mind.  For the former, I want God to look at my life and say "well done, good and faithful servant, in you I am well-pleased--what a beautiful way you have about you."  How great of a day will that be?!?!  :) 
    Now as I turn the corner, with a heart and mind ready to be molded by the One who made it all, I start by just making simple changes.  What am I listening to, what am I seeing, what am I saying?  What is my mind being filled with?  Does it glorify God?  In all situations, to all people, am I showing compassion, love, and grace?  Seeing that I've failed in all these areas numerous times, I figured that's an excellent place to start. :)  So now it's just time to put complete trust and faith in Him, knowing that He is full of grace for when I fail, patience for when I stumble, faithfulness for when I'm lost and confused, and love for every moment :)
.....
♥ C

Dear God,

 

  These last few months have been more trying than most.  Never have I felt so alone, yet so aware of your presence.  It's almost as if I'm seeing you through a window.  I can see you, I can vaguely hear you, but I can't quite reach you.  When I pray I don't know what to say or where to begin.  I'm tired of always praying the same prayer, but my mind just goes blank and I pray the same thing yet again.  Some days I feel as through on my side of the window I'm surrounded by so many people and they're all moving so fast, but you're not there next to me.  Making it through, just going day by day, sometimes feels like I'm aimlessly wandering through a field of obligations, each reaching for a piece of my heart and my mind, wanting to consume my thoughts and the very life I'm living.  I lose sight of you, as our relationship seems to be the first thing to go whenever I become overwhelmed.  Why is this when I need you more than ever?  I don't know, but I am so sorry. 
  In Matthew it says that we are blessed when we get our inside world--our hearts and our minds--set right.  Only then can we see you in the outside world and be effective witnesses, bearing fruit for your kingdom.  Now, on my knees, as I lay it all at your feet, I can see so clearly that my heart and my mind have not been set right, and I am struggling to see you in the world around me.  You've commanded us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and that our actions reveal the true condition of our hearts.  At this moment, I don't think I can honestly and humbly say that my mind has been renewed and that the true condition of my heart would glorify you.  They're filled with so many selfish and deceitful things, why you would love me as much as you do is beyond me.  But each day I'm so amazed and thankful that your grace and mercies are new, and you've filled me with a love and a hope that far surpasses any human understanding.   
  My greatest fear in all of this, in this time of being completely lost and unsure, is that this light that you've brought into my life, the fire you've ignited, would go out.  And those people I encounter that I am to be a witness for with my life and the love I have--whether they are there for years or just for a moment--wouldn't see that fire. They wouldn't see it because I wasn't living it.  So many people just need a reason to believe, and I want You in life to be that reason.  So Lord as I go out today, fill me with strength, as I tend to take the easier route.  Forgive me when I fail, pick me up when I fall, and help me along when I stumble.   
  I see you in the distance, waiting with open arms.  Break me down, but don't let me go.  I need your strength to get through this, and only you can feel this void.  Break down these walls I've built with my insecurities and my fears, my false hope in worldly things.  Break my heart for what breaks yours.  Meet me in this place of fear and uncertainty and replace those things that keep me from you with hope and the fruits of your spirit, that they may overflow from my heart into the world around me.  Hold my broken heart in my broken life, bring healing, and mold it into a life that glorifies You.
  I love you Lord, you are my refuge and my strength; my ever present help in time of need.  Help me to be still, and know that You are God.
  "I hold this hope inside, that you'll never leave me.  When all around me starts to fall, and when my faith it seems so small, and in my darkest hour...I will believe." Mainstay-Believe
...♥ C

don't wanna live this life in vain

  There's been so much on mind these last couple days, particularly this morning, and it's kind of overwhelming, so I figured it was probably a good day to write it out as much as I could once again :)
  This summer I have the amazing privilege of going on a missions trip to Egypt.  There we will be working with a pastor and his wife, Pastor Gamal and Mona, who lead a church in a very southern village of Egypt called Tema.  They have devoted their lives and their livelihood to sharing Christ in a nation where 90% are Muslim, going out to the places where the poorest live in the most devastating conditions, and shower them with love, joy, compassion, and grace.  Although I have yet to meet these two people personally (but can't wait to have that privilege), I anticipate that they will undoubtedly be one of the greatest displays of a life lived out for Christ I have ever seen; two people who purpose in their lives daily to live out what they know to be true with selfless works.
  Getting to witness this example of Christ-like living has me so excited, but at the same time so anxious...as in my own life I know I am far from living this way.  In James it talks about faith and deeds, and asking the question of whether our faith without works can save us.  If someone is in need and we simply tell them to "Go, I wish you well," but we don't do anything to help, how useless is that?  Faith without works is dead.  It won't get us anywhere, and won't bear fruit.  It creates lukewarm believer, a place that I've been one to many times.  But Christ clearly says in Revelation 3 that "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth...you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked."
  Ouch. In living a lukewarm life we lead more people away from Christ than do those who don't believe at all, so why do we keep living this way? It's easier and more comfortable, but also because our eyes are focused on the things of this life rather than eternal life.  C.S. Lewis says that "If you read history, you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next.  It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they become so ineffective in this." We will be judged by the fruit that our lives bear, but we have to understand God's grace in all its truth before we can truly live it out.
  Lately I've been wrestling with this, feeling as though my life hasn't been bearing fruit and my faith isn't always put into action.  It becomes stagnant and I get comfortable with it that way.  Recently though, I have had to trust in Christ more than I ever have before, knowing that it's the only way I am going to get through this semester.  Not sure why I am going through this, nothing drastic or devastating has occurred in my life, but I just know that everyday is a struggle to get through and I've found myself looking for little things each day just to bring back some of the joy.  And thinking of it just now, it's become more clear that part of the reason this is so, is because I haven't lived out my faith through works.  So much has just been through what I say...yes, this is what I believe. But what is there to show for it? I've become consumed and overwhelmed with  the obligations and commitments I have right now, but at times I forget to show even the simplest acts of faith--two of the greatest and most beautiful gifts God has given us...love and grace.
  It's a simple start, but it can have the most profound impact and can lead to so many opportunities to share and to bear fruit.  It builds and strengthens relationships that are rooted in Christ, which then builds the solid foundation we need, so that we can get moving.
  I don't want to live a life in vain.  It's much easier said than done, but I don't want a faith that's dead, I want a faith that's alive in Christ.  God is so full of love and mercy and grace, that if we fail (which I can guarantee I will), the next day brings new hope and new opportunity.  There's so much freedom in knowing this, and that alone brings so much joy and peace...which makes for a great day :)
♥ C

a true fan of Jesus

Yesterday Francis Chan, author of Crazy Love (which I highly recommend), spoke in chapel.  I love when he speaks because every time I leave convicted, as odd as that may sound, forced to take a good look at my life and answer the questions to the challenges he placed before us.
Yesterday he told us a story about a video he had seen the weekend before that a friend had brought back from a recent trip to India. Upon watching it, he saw first hand the horrendous persecution Christians were facing.  People were literally being beaten to death and lined up on the side of the road because they proclaimed Christ as their savior; pastors and missionaries had made the ultimate sacrifice without even questioning it twice.  We stand tall and proclaim Christ here and now, vowing to die for Him if that moment presented itself in our lives; yet, we do this in an environment that is safe. Never have we faced that kind of persecution.  He couldn't help but question everything he said he believed.  He told us, "If I were there watching this happen, I'm not sure I would speak up.  And that scared me!"  And after that I know he wasn't the only one who was scared by this fact, knowing that it was probably true for a good number of us, myself included.  We say we are "fans" of Jesus, living a life that glorifies Him, showing love towards others and being who God created us to be.  But he stated that although these things aren't bad, we do them in such a way where we still look good.  We try to avoid making waves in our communities, wanting to be loved and well-liked by others....much like the Pharisees and false prophets. But in Matthew 5 Jesus says, "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven."  Those are the true fans of Jesus, those are the people in India who were murdered for their faith.  Each day they follow His command and take up their cross daily to follow Him, and did so in the face of immense adversity.  Theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
It was a challenge that made me uncomfortable, and like Francis Chan I questioned what I would do in that situation and thus questioned what I believed; but it only made the fact clearer that we aren't put here to be comfortable, and that's ok.
Faith without works is dead, and a lukewarm Christian will be "spat out."  So the challenge before me is one of living out this faith, becoming a true fan of Christ.  Memorizing verses and knowing the historical context of the Bible can be great, but by itself it won't get me very far. It is and will be a constant struggle, I know I'll stumble many times, but thank goodness our God is gracious and His mercies are anew each day! :) As far as I may stray, as much as I may question, and as lost and weak as I may feel at times, He's always right there.
So my prayer today, as I continue to absorb the message that Francis Chan shared, is that I would never settle and become lazy, content with where I am in my faith.  Rather, that it would become a constant and continual journey that would challenge me and foster growth in every aspect of my life--from my relationship with Christ to my relationships with others, from the calling for change in my life to the calling to go and share that change with others here and abroad--and that the true condition of my heart that is revealed would be that of the love and the passion of Christ.
.....♥ C

today was the day

Today's the day I decided "I'm gonna start blogging...but for real this time." It's been something I've had an interest in doing for quite some time now, as thoughts about various things in life are constantly flowing through my head like syrup over waffles, filling every inch of open space. The concept of blogging seemed odd at first, publicly posting things about my life for others to read and form their own opinions about; however, looking at it now and after reading the blogs of others, I have found myself being immensely blessed in ways I never anticipated. They may never know, but through the words they've written I've found so much encouragement to strive to live my own life in a way that brings God glory in every moment--good or bad, flourishing or challenging--a life that makes God smile and say "Hey, that's my kid!" :)
I've found that I'm really not that good at verbally expressing the thoughts I have, as extroverted-ness is definitely not a quality I possess, and when it comes to organizing each thought (which are all mixed up and could come out a thousand different ways), there are times when I just fail at saying even part of what I had initially planned too. This is something anyone who has ever had any semi-lengthy conversation with me knows very well :) So writing is the way in which I can say what I need to coherently and completely, for my benefit as well as for everyone else :) And, as followers of Christ, we are called to join in fellowship with other believers, sharing how God is working in our lives, joining together in prayer and praise. Relationship is the greatest gift we have from God, first being our relationship with Him, and then the relationships we can have with others. This has become so clear to me just recently, as it become increasingly evident that there is no way that I will ever be able to do this on my own and I need those relationships more than anything.
That said, the journey shall begin. Not entirely sure how great I will be at being consistent, but we're gonna give it a shot :) I'm so excited to see how God will work and reveal Himself, even if it is only in my own life through this new experience. It is definitely a step in a different direction than anywhere I've ever gone before, but my hope is that it becomes an opportunity I look forward to and a blessing far beyond anything I expected :)
until next time... ♥ C